Heebie-jeebies

Thanks to Susan Rose and her Musings of a Discerning Woman for giving me some publicity. It's pretty cool .... I think .... but .... it's kinda heebie-ing, too. I mean, it's one thing to have people randomly come across here, it's another to know that they're being pointed in this direction. And I'm just starting out with this whole blog-thing. I still don't necessarily know what I'm saying. And now people might actually come here in search of things of significance?!? Gack! It's one of those things that's both very cool and extremely scary. So thanks for the vote of confidence, Susan .... I hope I don't make you regret your reference! :-)

Also ..... I take great pride in my instigating and trouble-maker tendencies. The truth of the matter is, I am such a brown-nosing little goody-two-shoes at heart, it makes me sick. I can threaten all sorts of stuff, but nobody ever pays attention because they know I won't do anything; I'm all talk.

What, you might ask, does that have to do with anything?

Well, I am very aware (possibly more so than necessary) that I am no longer just "Steph," nor have I been for three years now. In joining community, I became a part of something much bigger than myself. And while being on a rec league softball team is also being a part of something bigger than just me, softball was just something that I did. Joining the community is who I am. I am no longer just me; I now am a part of, and therefore always represent (to some extent), the Sisters of Saint Benedict. Not that I envision myself ever saying anything bad on here, but I am, as a good brown-noser, am also somewhat paranoid, and obsessed about doing the wrong thing. I love my community dearly, and would hate for something that I might say here to be misinterpreted by someone and then have that confusion then assigned to my community as a whole. It's something that I think I just need to feel my way out on .... but I'm just a little extra-nervous to be getting my feet under me with an audience! :-)

I did go back and forth with the anonymity issue -- if I don't give any identifying features, then I can't misrepresent anyone. At the same time, though, I'm proud of who we are. The amount of "hiding" I would have to do would run counter to my ability to both share my story and offer support to others who might be considering this journey ... thus defeating my main purpose in creating this. Besides, it wouldn't be that hard for someone to figure out where I am .... it's not like there are that many Benedictine communities in Indiana.

But, most importantly, I'm proud of my community. I love my community. I want to be able to brag and gush about my community. And it's only in sharing my community that I can share my story, my journey. The bland generic of the anonymity would dilute my discernment to .... well, I don't even know what.

Besides, one of my commenters already guessed it. I am a Sister of Saint Benedict of Ferdinand, Indiana. If you like what I have to say, thank the folks at "The Dome." If these thoughts here bother you, it's all me.

I hope I give you all a good ride ..... may I not disappoint anyone's expectations.