Tuesday, December 20, 2005

To the Newest Recipient of The Book

You know who you are.

I realize I was acting like a big ol' dork in your office today, but there's something incredibly heebie-jeebie-ing about "outing" your BlogDom self to people who actually know you in real life and whom you end up seeing every day on a semi-regular basis. The heebie-jeebies generated by my initial forays into the BlogWorld were one thing, but while people had my first name and could have theoretically figured out more specifics of who I am, I could claim some ignorance of you all as "random people out there somewhere." As I've gotten to know you all, though, I don't necessarily see you as pure randoms, and with many of you I've discovered some very cool connections and points of commonality. You all make me think, get creative, and have a little fun in the process. But for the most part, there's the whole element of mystery that accompanies different people's presentations on the official BlogSphere.

But you folks didn't know me "before," and may or may not know me in the "after" should this site ever cease. But ..... real-life people, who knew me outside the context of a BloggerMeetUp .... that's a whole different story. These are especially the ones who generate the internal questioning of "What will they think? Will they take issue with how I've presented [insert whatever situation here]? Will they be upset at having been anonymously quoted? Will they think I'm too silly? Will they not approve of the peer pressure involved in my various shameless plugs?

Will they take the opportunity to throw my own words back in my face whenever I go to them in moments of great stress, as they are so skilled at doing? (Of course, Susan Rose did a pretty good job of that herself the other day!)

Seriously, though, it's one thing to throw your thoughts out there to people who don't know you, in whose opinions you're not fully invested. But to have someone you respect and admire stop by for a visit ....

And even if you like what you see, and approve of what I say ... how does that fit in with my self-proclaimed "Self-Esteem of a Toothpick"? Then what?!?!?

So, please know that I will be sitting here squirming, in true Psycho-Steph fashion, until either (1) you read this and agree with me that I'm a total idiot and that I should shut up for good, (b) you read this and tell me how awesome it is and try to convince me to agree with you, or (lastly) I get over myself and find something else to spaz about and don't even think of your eventual arrival here.

And, until then, I will proceed to the next Stress-Inducing Trauma Of The Day .... practicing piano for Evening Prayer. At least I don't have to worry about oversleeping and missing practice and having no time to get my brain and fingers to cooperate like I did this morning .... {sigh}

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I agree wholeheartedly, with the initial reasoning .... but to believe the rest of it??? But I thank you for your continuing efforts to get it through my thick skull anyway.

And, yes, I'll keep trying to breathe.

7 Comments:

Blogger the tentmaker said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12/20/2005 9:21 PM  
Blogger the tentmaker said...

Or we could just see you as a child of God with no more warts than we have ourselves.

You are what God has made you to be. For one, I'm happy to know your blog persona and if that is all I have of you then I feel blessed.

12/20/2005 9:22 PM  
Blogger Natty said...

Awww, Steph... poor thing! And I can totally see you squirm... having backed you into a corner about something in person once myself. It's painful to watch... all the more painful to experience I imagine. The fact that you trusted this person enough to pass along the book to them means that they will probably take it all in stride. And besides, if they're associated with your community and have an ounce of brains in her head, she will realize what a great poster child you are for vocations to your community, and for the visibility of vocations to religious life in general! You are just fine, you do good work, you write great stuff. It'll be all good. I'm sure of it.

But I do know what you mean about keeping the blog a bit separate from "real life."

Love that quote... where's it from? I've seen it before, but I can't remember where.

Anyway, peace on ya!

12/21/2005 10:16 AM  
Anonymous jeana said...

I love that quote too! It's most often taken from a speech given by Nelson Mandela.

12/21/2005 11:48 AM  
Blogger HeyJules said...

Well, Steph...let me pass on my wealth of knowledge. {{{insert giggles here}}}

When I first started blogging, I sent an email to a few of my closest friends and said "I'm blogging. Read it/don't read it, doesn't matter to me. But if you DO read it, remember that anything you say can and will be used to blog about.

Ten months later, several of my friends have told me they feel so much closer to me now than ever before. They know some of my deepest thoughts and have made even more connection with me because of things I've said on my blog.

Still doesn't mean I'm telling EVERYBODY I blog...but the ones who mean the most to me mean even more now.

What more can I say than that?

12/21/2005 2:25 PM  
Blogger Susan Rose, CSJP said...

I'll try not to quote you to you anymore :)

You're the best. Merry Christmas my Benedictine friend!

12/21/2005 3:44 PM  
Blogger LutheranChik said...

You know, right now I'm thinking about giving a copy of the book to my pastor. He knows I blog about faith stuff, but I've never given him my URL...it's not as if anything I write online is going to be a surprise to him, but rather that I think he might, in a flush of enthusiasm (even if I asked him to keep my online life confidential), pass out my URL to people whom I do not want reading my blog. And even if everyone there thought it was swell, I guess I don't want my blog to become "community property" of my parish...I want to be able to speak freely about my experiences in church (even though they're generally positive) without the feeling that dozens of eyes are reading over my shoulder.

It's a tough call. I haven't figured out the answer yet.

12/21/2005 7:38 PM  

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